Article: Her Prescription for Sexual Healing

Her Prescription for Sexual Healing

December 23, 2002

By Don Aucoin
Globe Staff

EXINGTON - Aline P. Zoldbrod talks about sex for a living - that is, when she's not listening to other people talk about sex.

Wiseacres might say that's a job they'd do for free. But Zoldbrod, 54, brings three decades of experience as a psychologist and sex therapist to the task of opening up the ''great oasis'' of sex for clients whose disorders, anxieties, guilt, or plain old communication problems prevent them from enjoying it.

The author of previous works on such sober topics as fertility problems and the way childhood shapes adult sexuality, Zoldbrod has now teamed up with erotica writer Lauren Dockett for ''Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On '' (New Harbinger Publications). It is self-help with an X-rated twist: Each chapter opens with a steamy scenario (written by Dockett) that illustrates various sexual quandaries, followed by Zoldbrod's tips for the unfulfilled or uncertain. What follows is an abridged conversation with Zoldbrod.

Q. The premise of your book is that people have difficulty talking about sex and that sex occupies a ''forbidden zone,'' but from watching TV sitcoms or ''Sex and the City'' or listening to pop music, it sometimes appears we can't talk about anything else these days. Do you really believe that what you call ''anti-sexual socialization'' is still prevalent?

A. Absolutely, oh, I completely do. ... We are preoccupied with sex, but in a stupid way, not in a way that really helps anyone deal with the nitty-gritty of what it means. If you think about ''Sex and the City,'' it's portraying a group of women who are sexually liberated and can talk about sex. That's not bad, but it doesn't help people who don't relate to them get more comfortable finding a sexual partner or talk about their problems, feeling comfortable having sex, asking for what they want. Those women are
too beautiful. Women are so socialized that there's only one way to look; there's a system for women of feeling that you don't deserve to be sexual if you're not gorgeous like that. There's a huge group of women who stop being sexual because their bodies disgust them.

Q. ''Sex Talk'' is a good deal more explicit than your other work.

A. You're not kidding.

Q. So what's a nice therapist like you doing in a book like this?

A. That's a good question. Before I went ahead and did this, I asked my kids if they were OK with it. To which they said, ''We have a different name than you, and let's keep it that way.'' [Laughs.] My son said, ''Oh, Mom, all my friends know you're a sex therapist, and they think it's cool.''

Q. How did you link up with your coauthor?

A. It was Lauren's idea, not mine. She used to be my publicist on my first book. We hit it off really well just on the phone and e-mail; we were simpatico. She was in California, and I was here; we did this all by e-mail. I did this book signing at the Coop in September, she came, and that was the first time I met her. I couldn't write erotica like that if my life depended on it. Some of that stuff is very overt, very sexy, very risque. But also I think her dialogue is beautiful. Lauren said, ''I want you to give me 50 techniques that couples should use so their sexual communication is better.'' So I write the techniques and send them to her, and she starts sending me back this stuff. She had not said erotica, and I said, ''Oh my God! Oh my God! My name is going to be on this!'' Whoa! I didn't know that was what she had in mind. I went, ''Holy mackerel, honey.'' But actually I had to sort of think, there's a place for this too. I know some people won't like it, and I know it will disturb some people, but you know, there's modeling in there about talking about sex in the way that you have to talk about sex to get through some of these problems. And some of [the scenarios] are darling.

Q. What is the population that comes to see you in this office?

A. They are not comfortable with pleasure, they're not comfortable with their own sexuality, they've become alienated from each other sexually or they never connected sexually. As men get older, everyone has some troubles with performance; all men think they're supposed to perform the way they did when they were 18 or 20 or 30. If the partner gives them a hard time and they get a lot of performance anxiety, they come in. You have to reassure them; they have this man-as-machine model of sexuality. I feel really badly
for the way men have been sexually socialized. They've been socialized to believe that ''real men'' don't have any sexual problems. I talk to men about the myths. A woman might talk to another woman about how she's lost her desire, but men do not talk to other men about having trouble.

Q. So what's the biggest gender-based myth you have to dispel among women patients?

A. That good girls don't like sex ... because that's not how we are socialized. Women are socialized that we are supposed to be the ones to hold back because otherwise men will take terrible advantage of us. Those messages that good girls don't have sexual feelings are pretty profound.

Q. In your book, you suggest that people make lists of likes and dislikes, draw ''body maps,'' imagine a ''disinhibition coach'' to inspire them to be more creative, and so on. Seems like a lot of work, and seems to run counter to the idea of spontaneity.

A. Yeah, well, I think spontaneity is highly overrated.

Q. But why do you think these kinds of exercises are useful?

A. If someone has a perfect sexual relationship and it stayed perfect throughout their life, they would never have to do exercises like this.... [But] people say things to each other, and they hurt each other's feelings by accident sometimes, make the other person feel inadequate or uncared for. And you start to have a lot of tension. ... These exercises are a way of slowing down time and saying, ''OK, there's a disconnect here. Do this little exercise and just look at this data and see if you can figure out where you've miscommunicated or said something to hurt the other person. There are exercises in there about making a list of the things that would upset the other person, and now don't say them! '' That sounds pretty obvious, but people need to know that.

Q. What are the biggest hang-ups you encounter?

A. What happens a lot of times is people fall in love, and women are more into their lust mode - and then they have the weight of being a wife and mother descend on them. They just get out of touch with their sexual self. They're tired, and they push their sexuality further and further away, and it takes longer and longer to get turned on, and there's more and more ''Who does Billy have for kindergarten and why is Sally pulling her hair and why aren't you cooking dinner, I'm so exhausted and get away from me, I don't
want to touch you.'' And these guys are going, ''It used to take 15 minutes of kissing her to turn her on.'' So they think, ''What's wrong with you?'' And then she wants to kill him for saying that.

Q. What is the worst piece of advice people give or get regarding sex?

A. ''Do what comes naturally'' - that's bad advice.

Q. Why?

A. Because sometimes you're in a bad habit. Sometimes you should do some reading. There are fabulous books out there, wonderful, wonderful books that can teach you all kinds of things you didn't know about yourself, books that can make you feel much better about something that you feel ashamed about. So don't do what comes naturally, because a lot of times what comes
naturally is avoidance.

Q. What sexual taboos remain?

A. Oh, God, I think all the taboos remain. I've traveled around the world a lot; if you go to Australia, they think we are such idiots. I was lecturing there 10 years ago, and I was doing my thing, saying I'm going to talk about these explicitly sexual things, be prepared, and they said to to me, ''You [Americans] are so messed up. You use sex to sell everything, and then
you're big prudes.'' They aren't like that at all. There are condom machines in the Sydney Opera House. Everywhere you look, there's public health information about sex that is right out there. Look at Joycelyn Elders. She couldn't even say that masturbation was a good idea; she got pulled off with the hook.

Q. Do you have any hope Americans will get past the snicker reflex? Your very profession would make some people snicker.

A. Oh, yeah, actually I just encountered that. It's funny. People are prudish. I would like it if American socialization changed and people got more comfortable, because I feel large numbers of Americans are not having as much sexual pleasure with people they love as they could be. And I think it's sad. In Boston, people are so driven. They can't relax. They're so relentless in their pursuit of fame and money and status and goods and accomplishing a lot and making a lot - and sex can be this great oasis. In
an hour, you can get somewhere without having to pack your bags and fly to Cancun.