Article: Understanding the Mind-Body Erection Connection Part 3 of 3

Understanding the Mind-Body Erection Connection: A Man’s Guide to Conquering The Fear of Erectile Problems
(Third of a series of 3)

Click here to see part 1

Click here to see part 2

Researchers feel approximately 20% of erectile dysfunction problems are purely psychologically based. If you are having psychological erectile instability, there are things you and your partner can change in your behavior, whether or not you use medications or other medical treatments, which will increase chances of having more enjoyable sex and better and more reliable erections. Partners' emotional and behavioral reaction to erectile instability can make a problem better-or worse!

Ok. It's been too long since I promised tips for men with ED. So here they are. Remember, these are just tips. In many cases, it may take the help of a trained sex therapist to assist. It also may help for you to go back and review parts 1 and 2.

For Men:

Learn to deal with stress with better breathing. If you realize that you are frightened about the possibility that you will have erectile problems, begin to monitor your breathing. When you are tense, you breathe mostly using the upper chest. This is not efficient, because the rib cage doesn't move. As a result, you feel oxygen deprived, so you breathe more quickly. This then kicks in your fight or flight response, which then makes you feel more stressed and more likely to have erectile problems. Instead, consciously slow down your air intake. This can switch on the parasympathetic system, your body's natural ability to soothe itself. In doing so, you slow your heart rate, lower stress levels, and get more relaxed, helping the penis to fill with blood.

Ask yourself, "Is my fight or flight response turned on in this encounter?" If so, how and why?

Use positive self-talk. Memorize the tiger image or Dr. Irwin Goldstein's sponge image to remind yourself of the mind/body erection connection. During sex, stay focused on arousing stimuli and away from spectatoring and catastrophic thoughts about what will happen if your erection falters.

Show your loving feelings and your wish to be connected to your partner with words and gestures each day.

Stop avoiding sexual and sensual experiences with your partner. Men who are having erectile problems tend to focus on intercourse as the be all and end all of sexual experience. And since they aren't sure they can "get the job done" they avoid all sexual and sensual situations. This creates a physical distance in the relationship and does not give you the chance to explore other ways to mutually please each other.

Make sure you know your partner's recipe for being pleasantly touched (genitally and non-genitally) in ways that do not require you to have an erection.

If your partner's response to your ED furthers your emotional distress, when the sexual interaction is over and during a time when you are feeling emotionally close, talk about how you were affected by the comment.

Read some of the self help books listed at the end of this article.

I suggest your print out the tiger image and the sponge image to re-read whenever you need help in understanding the physiological underpinnings of psychologically based erectile problems.

Tips for the partner

Read and follow each of the men's tips, above.

Do not take ED personally. Remember, erections are not automatic. If your partner is having trouble with ED, this does not mean that you do not turn him on. You're turning him on, but his anxiety is turning him off. Understand that the minute the ED cycle begins, whether from fatigue, drug interaction, anger, or work stress, performance anxiety can maintain it. His erection does not have to do with your lovabilility.

Practice self soothing. Change all your negative thoughts about the ED. Do not allow yourself to think things such as "I'm not a good enough lover," or " I am not attractive to him". Remember, when you say something like, " When we first met and I was younger and better looking, you never had this problem. I don't think you are as attracted to me," this frightens your man into worrying about angering or disappointing you. That in turn inhibits his erections.

Erections are not automatic when a man loves you. Educate yourself about the psychology of ED so that you do not create distress, anxiety, or anger in yourself.

Work on being flexible yourself. If you feel that you must have penis -in-vagina sex each time in order to feel psychologically satisfied or orgasmic, work on expanding your own sexual repertoire. The more ways you learn to feel sexual pleasure that can be satisfied by a man's hands or tongue, the more pleasure you will feel and the more pressure you will take off him.

Often, feeling that penis-in-vagina sex is the only kind of sex that turns you on indicates inhibitions about many other kinds of sexual activities. But inhibitions can be overcome, using self help books listed at the end of this article. Or, consider going to a special sexual enhancement group led by a reputable professional , or perhaps seeing a certified sex therapist for individual or couple's therapy.

Make a list of all of the sensual and sexual things you would love to do with your partner which don't need an erection. Share the list with him. Make a fail-safe plan of activities to do without an erection. Remember: Take the Pressure Off by Increasing Other Sources of Erotic Contact.

Tell him that you love him.

Stop needing reassurance from him. This just makes him feel guilty, or frightened that you will get angry or abandon him. Learn the main points of these articles and try the suggested readings.

Many of the techniques offered to help allay your partner's performance anxiety depend on structured exercises that must be agreed upon and set up ahead of time. Don't block progress by insisting that "sex is supposed to be spontaneous." Planning ahead to be physical and sensual together and dealing with ED together are both powerful ways to enhance emotional intimacy and promote couples bonding.

Do get support from others. Since sexuality is such a private matter, ask permission from your partner to disclose the issues to others first. If necessary, talk to a certified sex therapist to make sure your own self esteem stays intact.

Using enlightened self interest, look at how you create anxiety in him and stop doing those things.

Be willing to talk about the problem with your partner and be willing to see a certified sex therapist. Even if you are uncomfortable discussing such a private matter in front of a sex therapist, take the risk. Remember that ED is difficult for your partner, and if he wants to pursue counseling, sex therapy is an investment in your erotic and intimate life which will pay off for the duration of your relationship. (January, 2003)

End Part 3 of 3