'Sex Talk': A Cure for the 'Panda Syndrome': Lexington Therapist Helps Couples Reheat their Romance

October 29, 2002

By Jennifer Lord

Aline Zoldbrod found herself inspired by, of all things, a package of gummy worms at CVS. They were a little bit sweet, a little bit sour. Kind of like love.

Put a less-than passionate husband and wife on each end of one, instruct them to suck and slurp it like spaghetti, and pretty soon they'd find themselves kissing.

"People have been doing some pretty deep kissing - even here in the office it can get passionate," said Zoldbrod, Ph.D, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist. "It's a way to make sex fun and goofy again."

Sex is Zoldbrod's business, but it's not something that should be treated as strictly a serious act. That's why the Lexington therapist teamed up with pal Lauren Dockett, a California erotica writer, to create "Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On."

With Zoldbrod providing the exercises and Dockett creating sexy vignettes to demonstrate them, "Sex Talk" has been heating up romance for couples who thought their libidos had gone cold.

Zoldbrod has a name for this: The Panda Syndrome. It's when an otherwise loving couple, for one reason or another, just stop the sexual part of their relationship.

"They love their partner, they're being treated nicely, there's really nothing wrong with the relationship but they're not having sex," Zoldbrod said. "At parties, when their friends are joking about sex, they just laugh along with them and feel left out. People don't come out and say 'Oh, I haven't had sex with my partner for the last 12 years.' It's not something people usually talk about."

It is, however, something Zoldbrod talks about. Frequently. Maybe the husband was having erectile problems and his wife felt she was no longer attractive. Maybe the wife is going through hormonal changes, through menopause or childbirth, and sex has become uncomfortable, leaving the husband feeling unwanted.

Whatever the reason, their sex lives have gone into hibernation - and it's a good idea to wake up that inner animal for a little play.

"Sex between two people who love each other, when it's good, is very healthy and very relaxing and it brings them closer," Zoldbrod said. "Research shows it helps the immune system. It's the glue that often keeps a marriage, a committed relationship, together."

A husband might think that all that's needed to solve problems in the bedroom is a prescription for Viagra. While Zoldbrod said the drug can work wonders, she stressed that he should probably talk to his wife about it first.

"They want to go from having an asexual marriage ... "They haven't touched. They haven't spooned, they haven't had romance or kissing and suddenly he expects her to be ready because he is. And let's face it, when a woman is going through menopause, there are dry tissues to deal with, it can be uncomfortable - people don't talk about that aspect of Viagra."

Zoldbrod frequently advises her clients to try loosening up with some sexy tales or videos, recommending more soft-porn women-friendly videos as opposed to the hard-core fare. For starters, there's Dockett's stories in "Sex Talk."

"She wanted it to be equally applicable to gay and straight couples," Zoldbrod said. "She really wanted it to be across the board, whatever your orientation, for couples who have problems with sex."

"Sex Talk" is a bit of a diversion for Zoldbrod, whose previous books include the more-serious "Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to do About It."

"Good parenting only affects people really well," Zoldbrod said. "It's the people where (the family) was cold, there wasn't a lot of touching going on, that has them wondering later on why they don't enjoy sex."

Children of alcoholics are especially prone to sexual dysfunction, she added. They learn it's not safe to trust people or lose control and may develop contempt for the parent who tolerated the alcoholic's actions.

And, of course, a large blame for sexual problems lies in the way society treats sex. Even the "ideal" of sex in a committed, loving relationship can backfire.

"If all the things don't happen just the way it is written in Masters & Johnson, then we don't have sex right," Zoldbrod said. "No really, that's how people feel! They'll feel guilty about it. My personal feeling is, every single time you have sex, it's a different experience. It's the process, the journey, not bang bang bang, arousal, intercourse, orgasm you've just had sex properly."

An estimated 40-45 percent of couples in sex studies are found to have a sexual dysfunction of some type, Zoldbrod noted. But when you ask them if they enjoy their sexual relationships, the majority of those still say they have a good sex life.

"Good sex is when you get in bed with someone who loves you and you trust them and you take care of each others' bodies and you have some pleasure, some release, like taking a small vacation," she said.