Boston Sex Therapist to Guys: Here’s the Secret to Getting More Sex from Your Long Term Honey (If You’re Straight)
Posted on February 27, 2015 by Aline Zoldbrod
Guys, I’m going to tell you something you may or may not want to hear: There is no such thing as a free lunch, and there is no such thing as automatic, passionate, happy sex in an ongoing, long-term relationship. This goes triple if you have kids. Courting a woman, being present emotionally in the relationship, and being kind, and giving, and cooperative in whatever work has to go on in your life, is the hottest foreplay around. The word “foreplay” is deceiving.
In actuality, everything we know about women’s sexuality has shown that there is something before foreplay. It is all of the talking and actions that have happened during the last twelve hours you two have been together. Women’s sexual feelings can be more quiescent than men’s at times, especially in a long-term, stable relationship where many roles are being juggled. Whether or not a woman is receptive to her mate sexually depends a lot on how close she feels emotionally during the last days or week.
Turn-ons involved in setting the mood may seem mushy, or corny, but things like taking a walk together in the rain, or looking into each other’s eyes while you listen to a favorite song are very effective ways to build up good feelings.
As a Boston sex therapist, I’ve heard all those things desired and missed by my female clients, but if I had to pick one thing that they complain about over and over again, one thing that is missing in their relationships with a male spouse, it would be being listened to. If you aren’t interested in her as a human being with her own passions, interests, and issues, or if you can’t remember what she has been focused on or worried about in the last few days or weeks, trust me, she won’t be interested in you as a sexual being. I’d like you to become curious about whether your wife or long-term girlfriend feels you listen to her and know what’s going on in her life or not. Try this for me: ask her if she feels you are interested in her.
Being verbally close with your partner may seem just plain difficult if you are someone who has a difficult time putting emotions into words, but trust me, it is worth trying. Try picking one little episode you have shared that makes you love your partner, and share it. Sometimes it is hard to come out and say, “You look beautiful in that color” or “I loved that look on your face when you got to the top of that mountain we climbed this morning,” but take the risk and utter the tender words.
Pulling your share of the load, work-wise, can be sexier than any “sexual” trick you can pick up by reading erotica. This is one of the most essential things you’ll learn from sex therapy in Boston that could save your relationship and keep it going strong for years.
Are You Turning Her On?
In this exercise, I want you to check in on your female partner and see whether you understand what some of her non-verbal turn-ons might be. First, I will ask you to do a self-assessment of how you’re doing in certain areas of courtship and romance. Then, I want you to check in with your partner and see whether your assessment of her feelings is correct.
1. How are you doing in the area of “acting romantic” these days?
Rate your own score on being romantic this past week, from 0 = none to 10 = very romantic.
Write your score here: ________
Now ask your partner for her rating of your “romance quotient” (1-10): ________
Pause to reflect on her experience of your behaviors.
What are some of her suggestions for being more romantic?
Since you might forget, write down what she told you right here: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.
2. How are you doing in the area of being verbally communicative and emotionally close these days?
Rate your own score for verbal communication and emotional closeness this past week, from 0 = none to 10 = very close and communicative. Write your score here: ________
Now ask your partner for her rating of your verbal communication and emotional closeness (1-10).
What score did she give it? Write it here: ________
What are some suggestions for being more verbally and emotionally close? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.
3. How well are you doing in the “pulling my share of the weight around here” arena?
Scale yourself from 1-10 ________
Now ask your partner for her rating of how well you have pulled your weight (1-10): ________
What are some suggestions for ways in which your partner would like more help in work tasks?
OK, guys, now you have some concrete information about what you can do to win your woman’s heart back. I suggest that you save these answers and refer back to them, before again moaning that old, familiar cry of, “What the hell does she want???? AAAAAgggghhhhhhhhh!”
Trust me, the answer is right here.
Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D. is a Boston-based sex therapist, psychologist, and the author of the award-winning book SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It (1998). You can find out more at http://www.SexSmart.com.