Straight Women in Love: It Is Critically Important to Resist the Tyranny of the Erect Penis.

Posted on January 11, 2017 by Aline Zoldbrod

I spend a lot of my working life working with straight women who no longer enjoy sex with their partner, even though they love the guy.  I more than occasionally run into situations where part of the culprit in the woman’s plummeting desire is the phenomenon that I have come to call “giving in to the tyranny of the erect penis.”

 

tyranny erect penis

Unless you are living your life under a rock, you probably know that past the lust stage, women are much slower to warm up than men are.  This is the sex therapist’s classic phrase (and I apologize to whoever thought this up) “Men are microwaves, women are crockpots.”

In my  professional world, women tell me things they don’t tell their best friends.   So here is a little secret that I have discovered over the last twenty five years in my office.  Young women (in particular) in relationships   seem to be cheating themselves out of sexual pleasure because they have an overabundance of empathy for their boyfriend or husband’s erect penis.  Young men who are healthy have very high testosterone levels, and they get erections easily.

So in a sexual situation, healthy young men become erect very, very early in the lovemaking process. Since people in America are so hush hush about talking about sex, no one teaches young women that this is normal, and that men can, and must, learn to stand the drive and the physical  pressure that makes them want to insert themselves into a female partner—to slow down in order to take time to pleasure their female partner-- whole body touch, non genital touch-- for a long enough time so that  she YEARNS to be entered. 

The wonderful thing about this give and take model of sex is that for almost all men, the process of slowing down and pleasuring the woman actually makes the male  lose the relentless erection.  But men have to learn not to worry.  Erections wax and wane.  Once the woman is aroused, if she touches the man’s penis, it will spring to action again.  

One book that I have found helpful explaining this to men is Men's sexual health: Fitness for satisfying sex by Barry W. McCarthy and Michael E. Metz

But if you give in to the tyranny of the erect penis, you won’t enjoy sex. You’ll just endure it. And over time, your sex drive will “mysteriously” nosedive.  You’ll tell yourself that you just don’t get what all the fuss is about.  You won’t deepen your sexual relationship. And you’ll ruin your sexual life with a steady diet of what I have called “mercy sex.” 

So if this is happening to you, gather your courage and talk to your partner.  Negotiate for what you want.  Show him your BodyMap and explain how and where and in what order you want to be touched.    You’ll be surprised how your feelings about intercourse will change.

 

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Dr. Aline Zoldbrod is a licensed psychologist, seasoned sex therapist, teacher and trainer in sexuality, and author of multiple books on sexuality.

Practicing sex therapy in the Boston, MA area, Dr. Z is thoughtful and creative in her approach to help her clients gain confidence and overcome issues.

Dr. Z is a repeat author, including the award-winning book Sex Smart. Dr. Z has been featured or quoted in the Chicago Tribune, New York Times, Parenting.com, Los Angeles Times, Yahoo.com, Boston Globe, Ladies Home Journal.com, and in many other publications.