RELATIONSHIP ADVICE AND COUPLES THERAPY

Is your relationship a problem? Take our Relationship Quiz

What is Love?

Dr. Robert Sternberg's Model of Love (1988)

Is your relationship making you happy, or is it making you miserable?

The American belief in the bliss of romance, love and marital fulfillment leads couples to have overly high expectations that, as the Beatles said, "love is all you need." Creating a healthy relationship is not always easy.

Many couples who started out loving each other have fallen into apathy or resentment. But you can be helped to bond together again with couples therapy and relationship counseling.

According to current research on marriage, partners in distressed relationships can repair those relationships by paying close attention to the every day ways they relate. In general, if there is no emotional intimacy in a relationship, the sexual aspect of it suffers.

So if you are having sexual problems, you may well have to address some relationship issues first.

Relationship Quiz

Rate how you feel about your relationship here.

Rate these questions on a scale from "always agree"=10 to "always disagree"=0
Sometimes the question may not be relevant, so you can write N/A (not applicable)

This quiz has elements taken from the work several psychologists who are experts in this field:

Arnold Lazarus Ph.D. in his book Multimodal Therapy, the Spanier Marital Adjustment Scale (1974), the work of John Gottman, and the work of Clifford Notarius.

NEW RESEARCH RESULTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

While marriage and relationship experts used to think that it was important for couples not to fight, and for them to practice listening intently to each other, newer research has changed what we know about what really keeps couples together.

John Gottman Ph.D. spent over two decades researching what real people do as couples (by studying them in their homes for years and years!) He finds that one of the most important things couples can do is to have five times the number of positive interactions as negative interactions.

So fighting, per se, is not bad. It's how you fight and how much good feeling there is between you. If you fight a lot, you had better be having a lot of fun, close times outside of the fights.

Don't make never fighting a goal. In fact, experts now believe that getting to a place where you never disagree is unrealistic. Some disagreements will never be settled. The trick is to fight about things constructively, not to throw zingers at each other.

The message of much of John Gottman's work is that love is a way of thinking and acting in everyday relationships. The secrets to maintaining a vital, satisfying relationship are:

• Emphasize the positive
• Find common ground
• Be gentle with your partner's soft spots.

Most couples in trouble think that for things to improve, extraordinary changes must take place----usually changes in their partner! Actually, when each partner is willing to make small changes in themselves, big, positive changes can occur in the relationship.

What Can A Good Couples Therapist Do for a Distressed Couple?

• A good couples therapist can be an advocate for the two of you as a couple.
  (If you want to work on a troubled relationship, do not just go into individual therapy!)
• A good couples therapist can be the voice of optimism, giving you the strength to stick with the process of trying to strengthen your relationship.
• A good couples therapist can reflect back the strengths you have as a couple.
• A good couples therapist can help you see solutions you can't see yourselves.
• A good couples therapist can help each of you stop casting the other partner in the role of the villain.
• A good couples therapist will be active in the relationship, not afraid to speak up if one partner is dominating, and not afraid of raised voices.
• A good couples therapist will call you on your behavior if you are hostile or cutting to your partner, and model a healthy, constructive way to give the same criticism.
• A good couples therapist will focus on the nitty-gritty of how you are managing your conflict and help you learn how to listen and fight constructively.
• A good couples therapist will have a good sense of humor, and you will learn to laugh at your conflicts yourselves.
• A good couples therapist will give you active homework to do each time she sees you.
• A good couples therapist will stay abreast of the literature on marital therapy.

Highly Suggested Readings

Aaron Beck. Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems through Cognitive Therapy. Harper Collins, 1989.

Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwartz. American Couples: Money, Work, Sex. New York, William Morrow, 1983.

John Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers, 2000.

Clifford Notarius, Howard J Markman (ed). We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other. Perigree: 1994

Robert Sternberg. A Triangular Theory of Love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135, 1986.

Robert Sternberg and Michael Barnes (eds) The Psychology of Love. Yale University Press,
1988.

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