SOLVING PROBLEMS

The Sex Smart Model

"Sexuality includes a wide range of activities that may provide sexual delight: a gaze, a conversation, flirting, a dream, a thought, dancing, hugging, kissing, sensual massage, light touching, genital stimulation, the intense merging of two bodies and selves, or intercourse. Orgasm actually isn't necessary for sex to be intensely erotic, lusty or significant, and neither is intercourse....When you stop to think of it, the pleasures of healthy sexuality can hardly be overstated."
-from SexSmart (1998)

In order for you to feel comfortable letting go, going into what is called a "sexual trance," and experiencing deep sexual pleasure with a loved partner, you need to have had certain things happen in your family-of-origin during your childhood and adolescence. Dr. Zoldbrod calls these the Milestones of Sexual Development.

They include:

  • being loved
  • being touched
  • receiving empathy
  • learning to trust
  • learning how to relax and be soothed by the person you trust
  • developing a good body image
  • becoming comfortable in your gender identity
  • developing self-esteem
  • feeling good about the way your parents handled their power over you and over each other
  • feeling that you own your own body.
  • having permission to explore yourself, your body, and your sexual feelings
  • learning how to develop social skills and make friends

Adolescent issues:

  • integrating masturbation or sexual fantasy into your life in a healthy way
  • separating from your parents emotionally
  • being able to be in a loving, sexual relationship with another person.


You can probably begin to assess whether you have family-of-origin sexual problems right now, just by downloading SexSmart's model and asking yourself these questions, taken from the book:

Stage One: Love

  • Do you feel that your parents loved you?

Stage Two: Touch

  • Do you associate touching and love?
  • Do you associate touching and safety?
  • Does it make you feel secure to make eye contact with someone you like or love?
  • Do you enjoy the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of making love?

Stage Three: Touch and Empathy

  • Do you have trouble trusting others?
  • Do you have trouble trusting your partner, even though you consciously realize that he/she is trustworthy?
  • Do you have trouble relaxing in your body? Can you let deep feelings of relaxation in your body be a path into a sexual trance with a trusted person?

Stage Four: Body Image

  • Do you feel good about your body now?
  • Did your parents touch your body in a loving, appropriate way while you were growing up?
  • As a child, were you put in charge of your body and all of its functions at an appropriate time?
  • Did the members of your family compliment you on your looks or say nice things about your physical competence or agility?

Stage Five: Gender Identity

  • Are you happy being the gender that you are? Why or why not?
  • What did you learn about being your gender in your family?
  • Do you accept your family's definition of how you should be and act?
  • Who were the role models for your gender identity?
  • Has your gender identity been affected by your sexual orientation?

Stage Six: Self Esteem

  • Do you love yourself?
  • When you look in the mirror, do you feel excited by your own potential?
  • Can you figure out what you want and need, and feel ok asking for it?
  • Do you love and accept your physical body and take good care of it?
  • Do you figure you deserve to get good things?

Stage Seven: Power and Control/ Owning Your Own Body

  • How controlling were your parents, in general?
  • Could you express your angry or upset feelings appropriately to them? Were you allowed to disagree with them?
  • Can you express your angry or upset feelings to other adults now?
  • Do you find yourself concerned with issues of control and vulnerability when it comes to sexual relationships?
  • Do you feel you own your own body when you are in relationship, or are you too afraid to say no when you don't want something?

Stage Eight: Permission to Explore Your Own Sexuality

  • Did your parents provide you with developmentally appropriate information about sexuality?
  • Were you allowed to explore your own body in private?
  • Did your parents give you the idea that your sexuality and your body are basically good?

Stage Nine: Chance to Develop Social Skills

  • Do you feel competent socially?
  • Did your parents have friends with whom they had fun?
  • Did your parents help you to establish and maintain friendships as a child?
  • Do you have a few friends, people you trust with personal information?
  • Do you know how to have fun and play?

Stage Ten: Masturbation and Fantasy

  • Did you masturbate while you were growing up?
  • If not, did you learn how to masturbate and enjoy it as an adult?
  • How do you feel about masturbation? Guilty? Fine? Ambivalent?
  • As an adolescent and now, did or do you use masturbation compulsively, to soothe yourself because your life is upsetting and frustrating?

This list is a very abbreviated taste of SexSmart. Another excerpt with some important information is on www.newharbinger.com. If you didn't have problems in any of the stages listed above and you did not grow up in a home with abuse, neglect or violence, you may not have significant family-of-origin sexual issues. It is also important to talk to your physician about your sexual concerns and check out potential physical causes, and to consider whether the problem may lie in your feelings about your partner..

SexSmart can be ordered from a bookstore, or from www.amazon.com, www barnes and noble.com, or new harbinger.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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